Lynette Scavo

Kids are great.

Kids are hell.

Kids are the most wonderful thing in the world.

Kids make me want to stick hot pokers in my eyes and jump into a volcano.

Most days, you'll hear parents say the first and third sentences. The 2nd and 4th tend to stay in their heads. Because let's face it, what would you think about a parent that says such horrible things about their kids? Some people would gasp in horror. How dare they such terrible things?

They are obviously not parents.

Even some parents won't actually admit it to each other, because it's almost a sign of weakness. Kids are getting to you? Well, you must not be a very good parent then. My kids are well behaved, dress themselves, play piano like a virtuoso and solve high level calculus equations. You must be doing something wrong if they haven't started feeding themselves yet. Did you hold them too much?

Nope. Uh-uh. Doesn't work like that. Because no matter what happens, your child will inevitably melt down in the restroom of a Chicago kids museum and cause all other moms to run out thanking God that she wasn't their child. Your baby will poop more than she eats at the most inopportune moment...like when you're nowhere near a place to change her. They will trash the living room, the family room and the bedroom. And when you've spent all night cleaning it up, they will wake up the next day and trash it again within 30 seconds. You will be driven to the edge almost daily...and then ever so slightly pushed over.

And just when the rope is on its last thread, your baby will start to recognize you, make adorable sounds, stand up and take their first steps. They will make up words for things they can't quite pronounce. Your child will suddenly run over and hug you for no reason except that you're there. They will draw pictures, show you talents that appeared seemingly from nowhere, dress up hairbrushes in Polly Pocket clothes and call it Princess Hairbrush, and snuggle with blankies.

It's a good gig. Just don't think it's an easy one.